A letter to the Bean (with a discussion on her theories about my phone rotations)

Dear Beanie Weenie,

I would like to thank you for helping me to realize that my choice of phones is directly related to my relationship status. At first glance, this seemed like a completely ridiculous idea, but upon further inspection your theory rings true.

Take for example my Nokia 3650. I had this phone when I was going out with Shannon and in many ways, the phone paralleled what was going on in the relationship; the round dial pad represented her back and forths about my complete disregard for religion, the intermittent internet service analogous to the mixed signals which she sent and finally, the sheer size of the phone is easily likened to her voluptuous form. I got rid of this one shortly after Shannon and I parted ways.

Then I got the T630. Now that was a sexy phone, I definitely had this one for the longest and I think that I ran through two and a half different relationships with that one. We had Nicole, Tiffany and that quick thing with Maggie M., ah yes, what a phone...but my T630 and I had some bad days too. Although to be fair I have to say that the phone was starting to fall apart and I had to change to that black faceplate and cover. And the camera got cracked and I think that my eyes must have been affected too because what happened next clearly reflects a lack of judgment and a total disregard for the obvious.

It was toward the end of our days together (the T630 and I) that I started messing with J. Furlow. Mistake number one. And it was during the same period that I got caught up with Lady Hatton. Mistake number two. I learned my lesson and quickly switched to my Motorola A630. I kept Kim however, and she was the first one to survive intact during a "switch".

The A630 fucking sucked and it soon started to charge irregularly, and I can say with a high degree of certainty that my level of attraction to the Hat was often equal to that of my phone's battery level. Which is to say...low. I believe however that the Hat saw through my obsession with phones and it was with some degree of derision that she suggested that I get a cheap phone.

I must stop here to note that until this point, price had always been a secondary (or maybe even tertiary) concern when it came to getting a new phone. My primary concern has always been a balance between form and function. But her suggestion insistence that I get a phone for under $100 simply did not fit into my current cell phone switcheroo paradigm. I decided to go her way though and get a Sharp GX15.

The GX15 had all of the features that I was looking for, Bluetooth, IR, triband, camera, WAP browser but it was ugly as sin. I mean, it was fucking ugly. It was very sturdy and I don't think that if I dropped it out a window that it would even get a scratch on it but it was ugly. Go back to the webpage and look at it again...pretty ugly right. And it was with that phone that Hatton met her end (after an admittedly amazing run...three phones!!! that's simply unprecedented). I must point out though that she was around during a particularly high phone turnover period...nevertheless, I salute you Hatton.

I finally got rid of that phone a few days ago (I think that it was draining my soul (much like the previously mentioned girlfriend)). The irony though, is that I got one that is even cheaper, although I think that it's a little cutie. I made an attempt to go back to my original selection method although I did make concessions for price (a limit of $300) but it turned out that this phone cost me $63 before shipping (bless your binary soul FeeBay). Anyway, I'm now the proud owner of a Sony Ericsson K300i. We'll see how this one works out.

Sincerely,

Richard Lewis

P.S.
I just remembered that I had a Sony Ericsson T610 for about a week before I got that A630 and I also had a Motorola V220 that I was using for about 4 days before the T610. That means that Hatton was around for FIVE phones...Wow!! That also means that I switched phones four times in a six month time period...That's a bit excessive.